"I know that you are hurting. I am hurting, too."
We can hurt our children without knowing it. The pain of the process of separating and divorce can devastate anyone. When overwhelmed with negative emotions, thinking about those around us can be difficult. Conflict can escalate, and the ability to utilize conflict management skills can be elusive. “A Child’s Letter To Parents After Divorce” by Monica Epperson is an authentic example of just how much conflict can impact your children.
A Child's Letter To Parents After Divorce
by Monica Epperson
Dear mom and dad,
I know that you are hurting. I am hurting, too.
I feel and feed off your tension, fear and shock. Although I am young and cannot express verbally what is happening in our lives, I am still feeling the impact. My heart is broken every time I have to give up a parent. My sense of security is lost.
Please don’t assume I am resilient. Please don’t assume that my life will be exactly as it was and that I will continue to feel the same love from both of you. I am a human being just like you. My needs are just like yours. I need love, attention, nurturing, stability, consistency, affection, understanding, patience, and mostly to be wanted.
When you fight over me or put me in the middle of your argument you are sending me the message that winning with each other is more important than my life. I am learning from you that it is better to be right than to be loved. You are teaching me that I came from a person who is unlovable and wrong and that I am somehow wrong, too.
When you confide your hurt in my heart you are storing up adult pain and robbing me of my childhood. You are taking away my belief that love is unconditional and replacing it with a message that tells me to become hard and not to love because I will get hurt and not be able to recover. You may not understand this today and I am so small you are not thinking about my future, but you are putting me at a greater risk of getting a divorce myself.
At times you are risking my safety to fill a void in your heart. My safety is your job.
Without you and your protection I am unshielded from the world. This will manifest in irrational fears for me because I will stay in a state of fight or flight for most of my life.
Someday this initial shock will wear off, but how you choose to parent me through this crisis will never wear off. I will either feel your sense of selflessness, support, protection or I will have a scar on my heart with a message that reads, “Good things happen to good people…I must be bad.”
Thoughtfully,
the child of divorce
Written by: Monica Epperson
For more information about the impact of divorce on children and parent coaching contact Hale Strategies, LLC at 325-999-3445 or info@halestrategiesllc.com
We can hurt our children without knowing it.
Learning or being reminded of conflict management strategies can assist parents in being emotionally available to their children. Children need their parents, especially during separation and divorce.
To learn more about how divorce damages children and skills to lessen the damage done, contact Hale Strategies. Utilizing the knowledge and skill, you will learn with Hale Strategies can be the next step in protecting children from the damage of adult conflict.
Make that step, and contact Hale Strategies to begin the healing process.
Click on ‘free consultation’ throughout the website & fill out the information or call us at 325-999-344.
